Liar Liar

 We had court yesterday and to say that God and the Devil showed up is an understatement.

It was hard to hear someone that has loved you for almost 6 years get up and say things about you that hurt. And to also see them be uncomfortable answering questions as well. The person that was in that courtroom was NOT my husband. I knew it the minute he started acting out of character. He never ever gets upset or unhinged he has always been the one thats been cool and calm- and we have dealt with court before. Yesterday he was how I used to be- agitated, squirming around, trying not to get mad at my attorney when he was asking him things, even stating that I was looking at him ( how i dont know he just said how i was looking at him made him feel uncomfortable) but all I was doing was staring at the man I love and praying for him. Literally praying while he was testifying to how I made him fear for his safety.

Yall. When I tell you how much it hurt to hear him think that I would ever hurt him or intentionally do him harm, it killed my soul. I had let my anger get out of control a few months ago and when reaching for his phone i grabbed his arm and clawed him. Yep. I own up to that. I also immediately apologized. In the past i had hit him with pillows, i have slapped his arm and leg in bed when i was angry, but had never done so with the intent to truly hurt him or fear for his safety. I am a emotionally angry person. I use words usually. 

Which is what im getting at in this post. I sat there and listened to him say things that had truth behind them but at the same time were also exaggerated and I didnt understand why. Why this man would hurt me so much. I know we had hurt each other with words, and I had done my fair share of the damage in that dept. But to have him actually tell people he feared for his safety hurt me more than anything he has ever said to me. He got his order of protection for 6 months. On himself. That was all.

When I left the courtroom after talking to my lawyer I got in my moms car and said "well God showed up today" I have been asking God for communication to be opened but at the same time i was taking it upon myself to message him and try to intervene. The same thing I was asking God to do and saying i was trusting him , but still trying to do it my way lol. Yeah God showed me and took the one thing i was still trying to have control of away from me. I said ok sir i get it. Im sorry. You have full control now. 

And it really did hit me. God was taking this out of my hands to allow him time to talk with Mike and use his plan and way. I was just getting in the way of things. I wasnt allowing God to truly work his full plan and ways because i wanted so badly to be able to speak to my husband. Now i know that everything that happens is truly God's plan in action. And i just laughed and praised the Lord for taking my ability to interfere away from me. Then went home and praised him more. He truly is amazing in the good and the bad.

But then while i was reading scripture about how the devil will use words to hurt you, especially from people you are close to, it hit me that I wasnt just talking about mike i was talking about myself. I was trying to get a message out about this, but about mike, and God had other plans. He turned it around and said Stephanie you need to talk about this about YOU and how you have lied in the way you have spoken to mike. I had found an old video i had made when we were fighting and was listening to it and the words, oh my, the lies i was telling out of my mouth to him hurt ME to the core. I cant believe i ever said those things to the person i loved the most. I lied to him because i wanted him to hurt, i wanted him to love me, pay attention to me, and the only way i thought to get that was to cause hurt and harm with my mouth. The mouth specifically your tongue is the most deadly weapon we have. Once words are released you cant take them back. You can forgive but you wont forget.

I am so thankful that our heavenly father has changed me and I am not that person anymore. But the damage that I did is not something easily forgotten or easily reversed. I know GOD can heal the broken and renew the spirit and change the heart- but it will take a lot of time to trust each other again in the harmful things we said while angry. 

So when you are angry or mad or frustrated with someone, whoever it is, please know that you should carefully speak your words and choose them wisely. For in anger and hurt comes things said that could damage someone forever. I know I can only go forward showing love, kindness, grace and mercy to those that hurt me and turn to GOD to help me redirect that to something that will honor the Lord and show love.

Stephanie Jones