You know if you would have told me a few months ago that my marriage would be dead Id have thought it was crazy. Even in the midst of all the crap we were putting each other through. I knew he loved me and I loved him.
And then he left. And I was in shock. I immediately started trying to go into save mode. You know what that is- dont you? When you have realized that the argument has reached a point of no return and you then turn all your energy and focus on trying to save it.
Yeah. I was a pro at that one.
Because I knew what I had said was not true and I only did it because I was hurt.
I also immediately turned to God- because thats what we do too! Hey so i have gotten myself into a big mess again can you please clean it up and then ill be on my way.
Surprise! God didnt clean up my mess this time. Instead he brought me back to him and redeemed me. He brought me back to where I should have been years ago- to relying on him in everything. To stop putting my control and my desires above him. And it worked.
See, I have realized since a month ago when I finally stopped and gave it truly all to God, that he had used the hard way to bring me to the water to drink and I refused. He had humbled me and brought me to my knees in a way that I had to turn back to him and rely on him for EVERYTHING.
And to say its been a blessing is an understatement. Man, the joy and faith and hope I have now that God has been in my life is soooo amazing. I have the peace the surpasses all understanding. I am not the woman I was a month ago. And i WOULD NOT go back and change it if it meant i would go back to the same unhappy, toxic, depressed person I was. Not even if it meant that my marriage wouldnt have taken this road.
My marriage is dead. The old Stephanie is dead. I can only move forward with a new marriage in Christ as the head of it. As me as a new person in God. Giving it all to him forever. And I pray every day that my husband will also put aside his pride and lay it all at the feet of Jesus too. Thats the only way its ever going to work. I refuse to go back to my old marriage. God has to be the center of it or we will just be going back to the hurt and the pain and the WE way of doing things. I love my husband more than I can put into words. But i wont give up my new love for GOD and my purpose for even that. I pray that he will come back and give it all to GOD every day. Cause he is it for me. Whatever path Gods plan has for me I will be ok. I will be happy. Because he does it for the good as it states in Romans 8.
I will love this man for the rest of my life. There is no one else for me. I knew it when God brought him to me 6 years ago. And i know it 100 percent now. I will love him with all i have for the remainder of my days. Its a love of God that only comes around once.
Psalms 118 ( and really all of the book is such an uplifting prayer filled read)
Stephanie Jones
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