The R Word

 Resentment 

Yep. That's a huge R word! 

Its also one of the things that started me on a road of destruction. And the road that ultimately led to where I am today with being separated and him filing for divorce. 

Now, I am not saying that I am taking the entire burden on for the way we came to be here. I have learned over the past month plus that I am not responsible for it all. And i will take ownership to my part played.

Resentment really is what started me to be hard hearted and cold. 

When I got with Mike, he came with two children from previous marriages. And with the youngest it also came with a very difficult ex spouse that in the nicest of terms was not a good person. Especially to me. I got a lot of heartache in the form of bad mouthing, putting down, treating me like I was dirt. She wasn't good to Mike either. But she knew she couldn't "hurt" him as well as she could me. So i became the doormat. We went through a lot that first few years. From nasty texts to me saying God was punishing me by giving me miscarriages , to her telling me he was still in love with her and was cheating on me with her. Among other things. 

And i started to resent and eventually hate this woman. Dragging us to court over things when she got mad because she wasn't given her way. Trying to keep me from being a "mom" to her child. I never once had asked or even implied that I wanted my daughter to call me mom. Not once. I respected that even though I was doing all the things a mom did. She was not present most of the time. But would pop up when she was on one of her 3 month cycles where she wasn't in a hospital or we couldn't find her. And I was so angry. Why had GOD allowed her to have a child ( actually 2 ) who she didn't seem to care for. Didn't call didn't get her life together for her children. Didn't take care of. Didn't support. Only when it suited her. I was angry and got angrier every day when I couldn't have a child of my own. That's what i wanted so bad and had asked over and over for. And then we got pregnant. And it made it to where we could actually announce it.

And then there was no heartbeat. The week after my 40th birthday we went in and no heartbeat. Everything else was there at the correct stages but no heartbeat. And I had to wait a month to have a D&C because my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. And that is when i truly started to resent and hate her so much that it also started to spill over to my child. To my husband. To our marriage and life. Because I couldn't stand to look at her and see her mom. See the mom that was santa claus- when she'd finally show up and do the littlest thing it was all she would talk about and it made me ANGRY. 

I was doing all these things day in and out. I was taking her to school. I was feeding her. I was clothing her. I was sewing her costumes. I was taking her to appointments. I was making sure she had everything she wanted and needed. 

And i felt like it was never appreciated. 

I was cleaning the house. I was doing laundry. I was giving up everything for my husband and family. I was busting my butt and killing myself day in and out. 

And while Mike would say thank you or tell me sometimes how nice the house looked I COULDNT hear or see it because i was so consumed by the fact that it seemed to be only when I would tell him what I had done was it acknowledged and I was thanked. It didn't ever seem genuine. He was always gone working. Always gone doing something. He never took me out. We never had a day out alone. We never went anywhere together. We never had a break just us. And it made it worse when he made me feel like i only ever wanted to be alone. And that also built resentment up to him because then I loathed that he didn't seem to want to be with just me and spend time with just me. And it always seemed like he put everything else above me- work, the kids, etc. And the resentment got huge. The hate in my heart grew like the grinch. 

And then I let it spew forth like a eruption i couldn't stop. And it grew and grew for years. Until I couldn't even see it because i had blinders on. And don't get it twisted- Mike was adding to it as well. Im not saying he didn't try but his words and actions hurt me. The way he treated me hurt me. And while yes i did bring some of it on myself, its also his decision to say and do the things that he did. As he always used to say that we are responsible for our own actions. 

I have now taken that responsibility for what I have done. I have changed and am not the same person I was a month ago. I have no hate in my heart no anger for anything that's been done in this process. I love my husband and children. I have forgiven him for each thing he's done. I truly and honestly am at peace with everything even though it hurts to know we are going through this. I also have faith that God is working to mend our marriage and bring it new to us. To change his heart and bring our family back home together to honor God in our home and marriage going forward. Its my daily prayer for his heart to be softened and mended to allow us to honor our marriage to God with God and use our testimony to show others how great he really is.

Stephanie Jones