We are human. We are not perfect like God. SO therefore, even when we are walking in faith, giving all to God and trusting in his plan and timing WE ARE STILL GOING TO HAVE HUMAN EMOTIONS.
Give yourself some grace and know that it is ok!!
Today was exceptionally hard for me. And what triggered it was not what should have. But it did. And hard. I mean sobbing uncontrollably for about 15 minutes to God asking him why, why am I having to be the one doing all the suffering. Why isn't my husband hurting like me??? Why is this happening!!!
And my friend Hannah, who has been my emotional support best friend literally, sent me a message in the middle of all this. And i told her I wanted to give up and quit. I didn't really but at the time in the pits of that emotion I was so over it. She literally was sent to me by GOD who knew I would need her. We had not spoken in years nor were we ever close when we went to church together. But GOD knew what he was doing bringing in someone to help pray with me and encourage me.
And then once I had calmed down and started talking to GOD again, i realized I have no idea what's going on. I don't know if Mike is hurting and suffering. I can't see it. For all I know he could be crying harder than I am and only God knows what's going on. So why am I doubting things. God told me he would handle it. God told me he would fix the broken pieces and be the peace in me while this was all going on. He told me he has a plan and i should trust in it even though I can't see what he is doing. That his way and timing are never short of a miracle and he is always on time. That the suffering I am enduring is for my own benefit and for me to be prepared for what's to come. Whatever that me be.
I know a few things:
1. God doesn't lie. He always keeps his promises.
2. God is always on time.
3. Gods plan is always bigger and better than what we want.
4. God is the healer of all things broken.
5. God is the waymaker when there seems to be ZERO way.
6. God is always there to love and protect us.
7. God works for the good of those that faithfully obey him and lean on him.
8. Gods purpose for me has been shown and I am going through a storm to prepare myself to fully embrace this purpose for the rest of my life.
9. God is dealing with Mike on his terms and that might not be anything I can see from the surface but he will bring him back to him even if it means enduring suffering - he will lead a man to water but can't make him drink but he sure can make sure that water he rejected is so appetizing when he realizes he's in a desert and there's nothing but sand.
10. God is always good.
There's a million other things I could list honestly.
I have forgiven my husband for everything he has done or said during the past 1.5 months. Im not angry with him. I don't resent or hate him. He has hurt me more than any other human ever could. But if tomorrow he came to me and asked to be forgiven and apologized and wanted to fix this Id hug him with open arms tell him he's already forgiven from me and that he needed to go humbly to GOD in prayer and get in the word with him. And then before anything we would need to go together humbly before GOD and ask for his forgiveness for removing him from our marriage and asking him to fully take over again and then head to marriage counseling. I won't accept the old marriage. It is DEAD.
I have spoken about that. I can't go back to what we had its not there anymore. It is dead. GOD however can prepare a new marriage and a new spouse for me. I truly believe that is where this is going. I have never had a doubt in my mind about it. I have been at peace with this the entire time. What I have doubted is that Mike doesn't want it. Not me. Not GOD. And then that's when i remember it doesn't matter what we want. Its what GOD wants. Always.
I have zero clue what tomorrow, next week, next month or next year holds. I have no idea how long I will have to wait while GOD makes his plan and way , while moving people, situations, places around for his will to be done. But I know every day i will wake up and thank him and honor him in all I do. I will be faithful to Him as my gracious father and savior. I will do all for his glory in my purpose. And i will continue to put all my hope in him. Because in that I have peace. Peace that can only be known by our amazing loving FATHER above.
Stephanie Jones
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