Surviving the Pain

 I had a hysterectomy this past monday. And it was truly painful. 

But what hurt worse was the pain of not having my husband with me. Or even having him check on me.The man that for the past six years has told me he would always be with me, always stand beside me and always love me- just totally push me away and not care. Man that hurts worse than any pain physically i could ever imagine.

And through it all I have not once been angry or mad at him.I have forgiven him each time he has done or said something so out of character from what I know him to be. Im frustrated and hurt. But there is no anger at all. 

See I get it. I get that he's trying to also push that pain of hurting down inside him so deep that he hopes it will go away. That he is turning circles over his emotions because running is easier than just stopping, surrendering to God and trying things his way. I was that person for a very long time. I thought I was in control of everything. I was not. 

Once I gave it all to the Lord, i have literally changed into someone that you wouldn't even recognize if you had known me for the past few years. I have changed into someone that is at peace with everything. That has faith beyond measure. Hope that surpasses anything I can explain.

And every day i pray for my husband to stop , put his pride and ego aside, and come back to me. God doesn't want divorce. He in fact wants the opposite and NO MARRIAGE is beyond repair with him. But he won't make anyone do anything. We all have a choice. I pray my husband makes the easy choice and comes back to GOD without having to take the hard way. Cause God will lead you to water and even if you don't drink, he will continue leading you back to him the hard way. 

If my husband came to me now and told me he was sorry and he wanted to fix this the first thing I would say is- Sure, but we will be going to counseling, family counseling, and we will be fixing our marriage with GOD as the head. We will be praying daily together. Reading scripture together. Fully submitting to what GOD has for us in a marriage. We won't be going back to anything the old way ever again. 

I truly believe that GOD is the waymaker and miracle worker. And that our marriage is worthy of being repaired and made new in GODS eyes. To where we give him all the glory and honor every day. And we can bring our testimony to others to show them just how amazing our heavenly father truly is! 

I love you Mike Jones. I pray for you daily. And though I can't speak to you right now I know God is speaking for me to you. You are worthy and loved. Both by God and by me. You have never had someone fight for you with GOD before and it should have been a long time ago. You are the man he brought to me, and the family he gave me, and I know how precious it is. Having a loving marriage is what we both long for. We agreed to that many times. To show your children GODS love through a healthy, christian marriage between us. And we can have that. 

But whatever GODS PLAN is I know it will work for the good. That's his promise! 

Stephanie Jones