Scripture Part 1- Things that I have marked - Exodus and Deuteronomy

As I shared , I will be outlining all of the Scripture that I have so far highlighted In my Bible and any notes etc with you. I will break it up into multiple blogs so it is not overwhelming. I will also be adding into my blog prayers for your spouse, devotionals etc. If there is anything you wanna see or me to elaborate on please email me!!! 

There are so many more obviously but this is just what I have been reading and learning about over the past almost 2 months. If you have a favorite story, passage, whatever you wanna tell me about please leave a comment or email me at - yourmagicalwishes@yahoo.com I always respond and you can also add in any prayer requests or anything you wanna talk about! 

Scripture 

Exodus 13:17-18 

This is talking about the Lord leading them into the wilderness instead of taking a more direct path to protect them because he was afraid they might change their minds if encountering danger so soon!

Exodus 14:14 - The Lord himself will fight for you just stay calm

The Lord knows what we need when we need it and how we need it. He knows that in the midst of something scary, something hurtful, that the direct approach might not work. He might have to lead us down a path that’s not as easy but he knows it will lead to his plan being revealed for your own good. He promises us that he will never leave us and he will walk with us each day on this road. He alone is who we need to rely on and lean on in times of worry, doubt, trials etc. He will fight for you we just need to be still and calm and let him work!

Deuteronomy 8- all of it - This is the call to remember and Obey- it is talking about when he lead them into the wilderness for 40 years! He was testing their strength of character to see if they would continue on to obey him after he delivered them! 

And Chapter 20:4 -For the Lord your God is going with you! He will fight for you against your enemies and he will give you victory!

Again, God will not take you somewhere and leave you there. He will protect you as you walk through your trial or your test! And he will deliver you from the hands of your enemies and give you victory over them. Those that obey him and do his good works and his will, The Lord will bless them in ways we can’t even imagine. So whatever it is you are going through, whatever season it is, continue to walk with the Lord daily letting him guide you through the battles he has already won for you so you can claim your victory on the other side of great blessings!

The power of a song- music and memories

Our internet has been down for over a week- so this was wrote on thanksgiving :)

As I had mentioned in my tik tok I was going to start sharing my devotionals and other things that might help someone else like it helps me! 

Forgive me if i misspell anything I don’t feel good at all and trying to do this on the computer off my blog to transfer later- as our internet is still down for the second day!

The first thing is my worship music. That’s what gave me my lightbulb moment in the car when all this started- listening to a song i have heard for years and FINALLY understanding it. It hit me hard and I knew then and there GOD was sitting in my car waiting for me to call on him and surrender it all to him. 

I love music! Im sure you do too. You can’t maybe put into words how you feel but you can always find a song that does it perfectly. I love 80’s music. Especially love ballads. Im a sucker for a good love song. As well as the country from the late 80’s early 90’s. Man Moon over Georgia hits different now lol. It actually was the song I picked one day for my husband and I to dance to in the living room. See we had a argument fight whatever about both of our needs not being met. So i decided when he came home that night we were going to stop and dance in the living room together. I picked that song for several reasons: 

1. I love the group
2. It fit perfectly about our life together
3. The song is beautiful if you listen to it 

Ill share the lyrics here with you ( some of them) but its about a woman picking a man over wealth and having everything material she could ever have- but she chose him for his love and devotion even though he couldn’t give or promise her a life of luxury. 

“He owns a big estate, just south of Savannah,
and a high rise hotel in downtown Atlanta

And half the state of Georgia to his name.”

“Shed be set for life, in his colonial mansion

she’d have the world at her feet on a silver platter,

but all i had to offer her was the moon.”

“And she took the moon over Georgia 

she’d rather have a million stars in the sky

then a gold mine.

She took the moon over Georgia

when it came down to his world or mine

she took

the moon over Georgia.”

LOL i didn’t have to look the words up cause its literally embedded in my brain. I loved Mike as he was. I didn’t care he couldn’t take me out to fancy dinners, i took him coming to my house and cooking while i was still at work one day, i came home to dinner and drinks he did specifically to make me happy. I didn’t care that he couldn’t give me diamond earrings ( i don’t wear jewelry anyways really) i cared when we took a trip to Branson that next year when he got me this little silver engraved ring with our names and the date we first met. I didn’t care that he couldn’t afford the new car I needed, I was thankful he took care of the car I owned and also let me use his truck if needed. 

But the past few years I have taken for granted the things he did for me. I was so caught up in my own trauma, emotions, anger, hurt, resentment that even when he did go out of his way I made an argument out of it. It wasn’t enough or it wasn’t the right night or it wasn’t what I wanted. Even though he was trying so hard to be the man I wanted him to be, I should have realized he was the man I wanted him to be. Cause God gave him to me. 

Now, when I need time to think, or talk to GOD, i drive and just listen to worship music 90 percent of the time. It reminds me to remember to thank GOD for the little things each day and gives me time to talk to him and let him whisper to me only he knows how- not audible but in the songs that come on, in the things i see that i didn’t see before, in the little ways only he can show me.

So here’s some of my favorite music to listen to. Some i listen to at night when im trying to sleep and feel anxious or worried. Some are new, some are old. I hope you enjoy them!

Hillary Scott- You can Rest ( man this one you need tissues i listen to it at night when im going to sleep a lot)

Hillary Scott - Thy Will

Cochran and Co - Take me back ( a friend sent this one to me and man i love listening to it on my way to church)

Mercy Me- Even If ( this one will hit you in the middle of anything you are dealing with because with GOD all things are possible with just him but sometimes he will leave the mountains standing in your way to bring you to him and his purpose and to rely on him)

Casting Crowns- Nobody ( man…. this one makes me remember that God will use anyone even if they don’t feel like they are right for the job- remember that he used so many in the bible with tools they had available and the strength of GOD!) 

Praise you in this storm- This one i love to hear when things are feeling overwhelming. It reminds me that I will praise GOD even on the bad days, even when the world is stacked against me, because i have GOD on my side protecting me loving me caring for me when no one else does) 

Big Daddy Weave- Redeemed - again tissues. lol seriously this one i belt out because its powerful. if you have struggled with surrendering it all to GOD then listen to this. The most favorite of my lyrics is- “Then you look at this prisoner and say to me son stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”  and then “ But when i hear you whisper Child lift up your head, I remember oh GOD you’re not done with me yet”

Anne Wilson- My Jesus - i call GOD my way maker these days because that is what he has been to me - he’s made a way for things to happen when there was literally NO WAY

Clay Crosse- I surrender All
Midnight Cry 

Some old school music now lol but so so good 

Michael English- In Christ Alone- the lyrics to this one get me crying a lot

Leeland- way maker- again powerful!! 

Nichole Nordeman - Holy
I am
I grew up in my teens and twenties listening to her music. And both of these songs are just so beautiful and powerful 

Mandisa- Overcomer- a friend of mine sent this to me years ago when I was going through my divorce with my last husband- i listen to it all the time in the car. its uplifting 

And my all time favorite Artist and the one song that made me surrender it all that night in the car : Steven Curtis Chapman

I have been listening to his music since i was in my early teens and have for years. 

The song DIVE is the one I was listening to at 4 am in the car. Listen to the lyrics. Its upbeat and very very strong with a good message

Also by him: His Strength is Perfect
Lord of the Dance
The great adventure
I will be here 

I hope that you enjoy them as much as i do. If you have any songs you love please comment and let me know or you can email me at yourmagicalwishes@yahoo.com and send me things if you wish as well. prayer requests are always welcomed and i DO pray every day over each person you don’t have to tell me anything just unspoken. God knows your needs already. 

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Stephanie Jones 

Silver Linings

 Don't you ever hear about there being a silver lining in the rain clouds?

That's how walking with FAITH in God is for me. That even though its storming, he always provides the silver lining in the storm. By walking with him each day and while he is guiding you, he shows you your purpose in what seems to be the greatest hurt and pain of your life. 

Ill give you some examples of how this has been shown in my life. Some i have already talked about but they are worth repeating.

The biggest one being using my test for my testimony with others going through similar situations or even situations that bring about great pain and grief. 

I was able to use my walk with God to meet the needs of someone that is very close to both me and my husband that is also going through this to allow them to see how good GOD really is. To give them faith and encouragement to lean on our Heavenly Father during this time. Had I not been prepared for this I wouldn't have been able to let GOD be the words to me to say to them.

Today when I didn't wanna get up and go anywhere. I didn't feel good and I wasn't going to go to church. But i did. I got up and got dressed and left to head to third service. I stopped at a gas station and I have said before I was going to ask people I come into contact with if they need prayer. So i asked the lady there if there was anything she needed prayer for. Immediately met with a yes!!! I told her a bit of my testimony and told her I would pray over the things she asked of me. I went directly to the car and sat there and poured my heart out to GOD to help her in only the way he knew how. And when I was on my way back from church I decided to stop to give her my information. She had left and another cashier was there so I asked her too. Had i not been willing to get up and go and also step out in faith and hope even thought i could have been rejected or laughed at then I would have never been able to witness. 

Tonight, my parents have had issues with water leaks for a while now. I have been sleeping in the downstairs bedroom aka the junk room lol. I came home about 130 and noticed there was some what i thought was dog pee on the floor. I figured Buster had peed in there and laid down a towel. I went to lay down because i was exhausted and still wasn't feeling well about 3 thinking I would get up to go to this thanksgiving thing. I woke up at 430 and just didn't feel well so i went back to sleep. My mom came home to drop off my dad as he's also sick and I was woken up about 6 from something. I went to get up and noticed that the towel was soaking wet. I was like well that's not pee! So i started looking around and eventually told my dad they had a leak. Which was not exactly fun in of itself because he doesn't feel good and he had to get up and check. Sure enough there was a leak from behind the bathroom counter. Had i not been here and been in that downstairs bedroom they could have had a much worse case scenario before they had found it. 

This is all GOD. Not me. I take no credit for anything. I give him all the praise and glory for allowing me to be prepared and be where I need to be in this time of test. It not only has allowed me to witness but its allowed me to be where I needed to be to prevent a more costly issue. 

God is always with you. Always. He has never abandoned you or turned from you- its us that turn from him and try to do life without him. And that's a very costly mistake we are making. Each day we ignore his love and his open arms is another day we grow deeper inside ourselves with doubt, anger,fear, depression, issues within our lives, our marriages, our families. And then when it gets to a price we can't afford to pay, only then do we turn to God. Usually to cry out why have you allowed this to happen???? Why have you allowed me to suffer???? Why have YOU done this Lord??? But he hasn't done anything he's been waiting all this time trying to show us the way and we have rejected him and his ways. 

So before you continue on the path alone, why don't you sit down and start praising him for the things he is doing every day and ask him what you need to do for HIM. What you need to see, hear, profess, address for HIM. Give it all to him to be the the silver lining in your clouds. 

Stephanie Jones 

Be like Abraham

 There are many things that I see over and over in my daily walk with God. In my devotionals, in the word, on facebook etc. And they are all what I need to see when I need to see it.

Today I was reading about the faith of Abraham. Romans Chapter 4 all of it but I'm sharing a few verses here:

18- Even when there was no reason of hope, Abraham kept hoping- believing that he would become the father of many nations. For God had said to him, "That's how many descendants you will have! 19-And Abrahams faith did not weaken, even though, at about 100 years of age, he figured his body was a s good as dead- and so was Sarah's womb. 20- Abraham never wavered in believing Gods promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. 21- He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. 22- And because of Abrahams faith , God counted him as righteous. 23- And when God counted him as righteous it wasn't just for Abrahams benefit. It was recorded 24- for our benefit, too, assuming us that God will also count us righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. 25- He was handed over to die because of our sins, and he raised to life to make us right with God.

Even when there is no way for HOPE when we can't see it, we continue to keep HOPE in the Lord as God will reward those who are faithful to him and will always keep his promises. 

Abraham had faith and hope even when he couldn't see it. He knew GOD had promised him and he continued to be obedient to the Lord all his days. 

Its hard to get up each day and walk in Faith- because we are flesh and we have a patience problem. We want it here and now- the Veruca Salt syndrome as some call it- where we don't think we should have to wait. Especially this day when everything comes to us so easily. But allowing God to use his timing so that he prepares you for the outcome will always be the best thing for you. God loves us and he only wants what is best for his children. It teaches us to rely on him, to lean on him, to be obedient in the wait. To learn patience and perseverance while he moves people, things, places around for the best outcome possible.

Followed up with Deuteronomy Chapter 8 all of it- The lord provided for them as he led them into the wilderness for forty years. Giving them manna and making sure their clothes didn't wear out and their feet didn't blister or swell. To prove their character and find out if they would obey his commands. He is disciplining us for our own good. So that when we are delivered from the test we will continue to grow in HIM and remain faithful to his commands. 

God always keeps his promises and the suffering won't last forever. You won't be in this season always as he will bring you out of it better and to a bigger blessing in the end~! 

Unconditional Love

 Ive been seeing things a lot - God puts things in front of my face repeatedly to show me things. 

One of them is unconditional love. 

When I met Mike I fell in love with him for who he was, not what he had. I didn't care. Material things were insignificant to me. I knew God had brought him to me and that I was taking him and his girls as he was- and I loved them unconditionally.

Its what he always would tell me that the reason he fell in love with me was that I loved him in spite of the things he didn't have- money, wasn't able to give me gifts and do much, that I accepted and loved him and his girls just as is. He told me that a lot. In fact he told me that not long before this happened. 

One night while he was half asleep he told me " Im so thankful for you in our lives. For all you have done for me and my girls" 

You see, I am a romantic. I want that Disney/Hallmark prince charming that is emotional and loving. And that is not who Mike is. He is logical. Rational. Wants to fix things but not with emotions. He's always said he would try and change. And I'm the exact opposite. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love passionately and with reckless abandon. My love language has always been Acts of Service for those I love and care about. It was never about the money it was always about giving them the things and memories that I knew they needed, wanted, deserved. 

And while on this journey I have realized that God will not give you a spouse that meets all your needs the way YOU want them to. God will give you the perfect one so you might learn to love unconditionally. That you might have to learn that even though they don't do the dishes like you want, or they don't be that romantic movie guy 24/7, that you are to love them unconditionally like Christ loved the church and its people.  And that's one of the HARDEST things to do. Because while you are asking why aren't they like this why don't they do what i want them to do? why aren't they changing. Its because God wants  you to see the person faults and all and love them with reckless abandon in spite of the things they don't do.

Love is a verb. Its not something that you can just sit on a shelf and know it will always be there. You have to work at it daily. You have to put your own pride aside and love them the way they are even with their faults- their fears- their issues. Its work. Hard work. And that's one thing a lot of people can't do. Because when it gets hard, when it gets down to the truly tough situations, the times when you feel like you can't go on because once again they have done something you don't agree with- and I'm not talking about they have hit you again - I'm talking about when their mental health takes over and they start yelling and arguing again. When they once again get frustrated and say hateful things out of character because they are struggling to even like themselves. When they are trying and have slipped up on being kind in the way they parent- that's when you have to dig deep and love them despite all of it. And turn to GOD to help. 

No we don't do that. We throw in the towel and go file for divorce because its just too much GOD!!! This person said they would change. This person said they wouldn't be hurtful again. This person said they wouldn't take another pill. This person said they wouldn't go to the bar anymore. This person said whatever it is that is going. No. We don't give it to GOD and seek him and help. We run. We abandon it because that's when fight or flight sets in. We make rash decisions. 

Im not saying that every situation is like this. But the majority of them are. 

One thing I said to Mike was " We have tried everything but we have not tried giving it to GOD and going to biblical counseling and letting him take control of our marriage" And his reply was Maybe you are right but i just don't care enough to do it. 

And I did. 

So I hit my knees and started praying. And the more I prayed the more anger and hate and bitterness was in him. I knew then that the enemy had a hold on him and was not going to give up without a fight. I turned it over to GOD and have let him lead me every day. I have went to counseling. I have surrendered it all to HIM. And in that came a peace. And the unconditional love I had for Mike has grown every day. Even with him saying the most hateful and hurtful things to me. Doing things that are not of his character. 

My faith and hope has grown even in the destruction Satan is trying to accomplish. He knows that once GOD got ahold of me i was lost to him so he held on tighter to Mike. And he knows once GOD brings him back to his knees and to let go of it all to GOD that he will have lost another marriage and it is driving me mad. So he will do and say and yell loud! So loud you can't help but see it and hear it. But GOD is whispering to me each time. To hold on to him. He's working. He has a plan. He has already won this battle. 

And he's bringing back the unconditional love to Mike in his time. 

Dreams - my hearts truest desires

 I know things have been a little, sad, on my blog. Its because of the nature of what I am going through. 

So i thought I would share some of my hearts greatest desires- my dreams if you may- of what I want out of my marriage and with my family. You can call it the HOPE i have for my family and new marriage with GOD as the head of it and us following him in everything.

So over the past month I have been thinking about things I want to do, change, be etc. I have talked with GOD about them over and over. Expressing how excited and joyful they make me. Our FATHER loves to see us happy! He delights in us remember. He is happy when the things that he wants for us align with what we want for ourselves. And I pray over them as well to see if its something that truly I need to be doing or if its something that won't happen or needs to wait. 

One of the biggest things is having a fellowship with other women in my home. And I have prayed about it and continue to have it put on my heart. To be able to use my testimony to help them come back to GOD and give it all to him. To lean on him and know that he will never ever leave your side.

Another thing that has been coming back over and over is the way I want to be the mom to my children as a Christian mother needs to be. To instead of getting up and waking up my youngest and having her rush off to get a bus, to wake her up, help her do her hair, fix her breakfast, and then sit at the table together and go over a daily children's devotional with her. To pray over and with her each morning. To show her how to pray and how to lean on GOD each day with whatever it is she is dealing with. And then take her to school each morning and spend that time together. Showing her how to be a daughter of the king. Pouring into her each day so she might have the ability to pour into others. 

Taking the time when she comes home from school to instead of her going off to her room to alienate herself and me being too busy to take the time, is to have something we can do together when she comes home. Even if its just preparing dinner together, or baking dessert together. Whatever it is we can use the time to talk about the day, to go over whatever it is she wants to go over. And then making sure we have family time in the evening. Watching a movie. Playing a game. Doing something as a family instead of just going back to our work, tv, whatever it is. 

On the weekends carving out time to do something as a family or just her and I. Or her and her daddy. And also carving out time each week for my husband and I to have the alone time to have the intimacy we both need- I'm not talking about in the bedroom. Im talking about being in each others company and doing something we enjoy. One week doing what he loves, and another what I do. Alone time that we need to pour into each other. To not let work, kids, finances, obligations get in the way of us being together.

To pray every morning together. My husband and I. Over the day, each other, our family etc. To take the time to make it a priority to give each day to GOD. 

To be able to have a devotional time together when we can. After the kids are in bed. To instead of watching mindless tv all the time, or stressing about something we need to do, to take the 30 minutes to get in the word of GOD and communicate anything we need to. 

To give our finances over to GOD. Regardless if we don't think we have enough. He will make enough. 

That sundays are for rest. That we go to church and worship together each week. And then we come home and we rest. I know that sometimes its not possible to not do work that has to be done. But to make the priority on sunday about GOD and his goodness. About family. About how we can give back to others and serve others that are in need. 

To parent with grace. But with consequences. But if the room doesn't get cleaned that its not going to stop the world from turning. That if we lie or do something that is wrong, we will correct with the grace that GOD corrects us with. Not the yelling the being angry or mad. To be the parents and not the friend.... to show them the way to do things with the kindness our FATHER shows us each day when we make a mistake.

To say I'm sorry when its needed. Even to the children. When we make a mistake to own up to it and apologize to whoever it is that we have not been kind to. To put our pride aside and forgive even if we are in the right and then love our spouse, kids, family - whoever- with the love that GOD shows us when we ask his forgiveness. 

Stephanie Jones 

A Prayer for my Husband

 This past almost two months, I have learned how powerful prayer is. Combined with having my eyes and my heart opened, and filled with the Holy Spirit, God has made me a new creation. In HIM. 

I pray a lot. I am pretty sure any human would get tired of listening to me talk consistently - but not GOD. No. He loves it. That's what he WANTS from us- to come to prayer in everything we do. Even the little things. 

I pray for my husband every single day. When I wake up, when I go to sleep, and who knows how many times through the day. For him to be able to open his eyes to the truth, his heart to God, his ears to listen to being called back to our Heavenly Father. For him to see the how much love and peace and joy he could have if he would stop, humbly get on his knees, and allow the hurt, the pain, the failure, the fear he has be surrendered all to the Way Maker- Promise Keeper- Miracle Worker- Our most gracious FATHER! 

As I have gone through this season , I have been given small pieces of his plan for me. I have been shown Hope in the things I have asked for. And its usually in a way I never ever would have imagined! But God's ways are better and bigger than ours. Ive seen him move in my life and make ways when things seem to have no way. And i have laid down everything to HIM to control. Knowing that he has a amazing plan that is bigger than we could imagine. 

One of the things I have done is start to write down my prayers and my thoughts for my husband for when he returns to me. I have no idea when that might be. But I believe God wants our marriage to be made new in HIM. 

And today faced with something about to happen I have asked God how why what lol because of the uncertainty in this event. I had asked and prayed for it to happen, and then it came about in a way I didn't even think could happen. I was shocked and kinda got worried- but I told God i knew it was HIM making the way for something to come from a literally impossible situation. 

And then I saw this verse 

Isaiah 43:19  Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.

There are no Ifs with God. He will do the impossible in a no way situation to make that way as his is the way maker and miracle worker. God. Is. Always. Good. 

Stephanie Jones 

When God asks you listen

 To tell you I have been humbled and blessed tonight is an understatement!!! And also please be in prayer for this person as they navigate an extremely difficult journey! God knows the need. 

God used me to be the vessel to use my testimony and purpose to help someone that is going through a rough time. Very similar to my situation. He allowed me to bring his strength to this person when they needed it most. 

God is so good.

Let me give you a little story time!

So I have been praying for someone very close to me and a situation I didn't know really what was going on. I knew or thought i had an idea of it. But i have been praying daily for this person. And also asking him to open up lines of communication as well. I have not been a very good friend in the past. And I am trying to do what is right in Gods eyes and with a true heart with this person even though they don't know it. But it never occurred to me to pray for the other person in the situation! Why I have no clue. 

So over the past 24 hours, I have been seeing stuff from this other person. Y'all, I never see it. Ever. Probably because we don't really interact. But when I realized God was putting this in front of my face over and over I was like "Ok God, you are asking me to reach out to this person and I will listen." 

I did. I reached out. And it humbled me and made me laugh in joy and cry tears of happiness. God used me for his glory. To witness and tell this person of the goodness of the Lord. Allowed me to have the right words with raw vulnerability to let them know how good he has been to me in my pain. To pray for them and tell them to trust in the Lord with everything that he will use his plan and his time to bring what is wrote already , their story, to light. And our conversation was sooooo amazing. And its not any of my doing yall- to GOD all thanks are given. 

After wards I literally sat and just praised the Lord. I keep doing it hours later. I am rejoicing in his name for the good things he is doing in my life. I am rejoicing that this person is doing something very brave and vulnerable to better their life and the lives of those they love. To change, to be changed, to give it to God and live a better life. Im so beyond proud of them. And I let them know it. And will be day after day as I watch God move in them to honor him! 

God is good all the time. 

As i was ending my night and about to go watch some tv I asked God to show me in the bible what i needed to know about this situation etc. I opened it up and was thumbing through Isaiah and the scripture of Chapter 50 verse 4-11 caught my attention- Entitled the Lords Obedient Servant.

It gave me chills and I thanked God again for showing me the direction I needed to go. I ask him every day over everything what do you want me to do, to see- what do you want me to do today for your glory Lord?? And every day he answers me and always guides me down the right path.

God will never leave you and will send you to do his good works every day if you ask and let him. He will fill you with the Holy Spirit and you will yearn to read his story, the bible, and learn more. You will find something new every day. He will never lead you astray! 

Purpose in Pain. Testimony that will reach people that need Gods love. Im just his vessel. He is my captain! 

Stephanie Jones 

From Dust to New creation

 The devotionals I have been reading on are about dust. 

We are made from the dust of the ground. But man dust can sound so yucky! But it also can create the most beautiful creations. For when you add dust and water you get clay. And when the clay is used by our Heavenly Father to mold and make a new creation it is BREATHTAKING!

You might be feeling like dust right now. Like nothing can be made new in your life. Like your past will always define you. How can your broken pieces be turned into something to be looked at with awe. Well that's literally what God does when he turns those broken pieces into his new creation. 

It can be a new creation in your life, your kids, your spouse, your marriage, your job etc. Whatever it is that you need to be made whole again- God can do it. 

Here's some scripture that came with this devotional as well as some insight from part of the devotional ! 

John 9:1-3, 5-7

As Jesus was walking along he saw a man who had been blind from birth, "Rabbi" His disciples asked Him " why was this man born blind? Was it because of his own sins or his parents sins?"

"It was not because of his sins or his parents sins," Jesus answered. "This happened so the power of God could be seen in him... While I am here in the world, I am the light of the world."

Then he spit on the ground, made mud with the saliva, and spread the ud over the blind man's eyes. He told him, " Go wash yourself in the pool of Siloam." 

So the man went and washed and came back seeing!

Jesus used him as a living testimony. Using what he was given at birth to heal him and let the world see that that he is truly the light of the world. He can take something from birth and make it a new creation!

And into the devotional this passage really hit home:

In soul crushing times, we'd give just about anything for God to fix it- Edit this story so that it has a different ending. Repair this heartbreaking reality. But what if all that fixing isn't what God has in mind. What if this time God desires to make something completely brand new?? ( credit to Lisa TerKeurst in her book Its not Supposed to be This way)

As it goes onto say in the devotional - Jesus, the Living Water, may decide to heal those losses using the dust we are sitting in or The divine Potter may decide to create an entirely new work from the dust we are made of. Either way, our Creator is not sitting idle. Dust doesn't have to signify the end Dust is often what must be present for the new to begin! 

See, I firmly believe God is currently taking the dust from my dead marriage. The dust from the past hurts, mistakes, anger, hate, toxic mess - all those dirty broken pieces that we alone can't fix- and turning them into a new creation in HIM! He is the Potter and we are the clay. The miracle worker of all things broken. I have hope and faith as I watch him work each day in my life, as well as the lives of those around me in this situation. His timing is perfect and he is a truly faithful GOD. I have seen it time and again.

Stephanie Jones 

(this is from a summer trip just the girls took) 

Proverbs 31 Woman

 If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would be rejoicing and filled with peace while going through literally the most heartbreaking season of my life I would have thought you ( or I) had gone mad. 

But here we are! 

I went to counseling today on my 4 year anniversary. And every time I go I learn more and more about who I am, my purpose, what God is doing in my life and in my husbands life, and pieces start to fall into place slowly. Very. Very. Slowly.

I also learn more about the Christian wife and mom I want to be. The one I was not for so many years before. The Proverbs 31 Woman. What's ironic is that my husband has said several times that once I realize that this is for real I will go back to the person I was before. But that person is dead and gone. I know this is for real. I live it every single day of my life. I live the pain, the hurt I feel, the damage I did, the times I could have changed my response when we would fight. I get to relive moments where God was trying to give me the chance to come back to him the easy way. But noooo, we were having none of that because I was in control lol. Yeah - and look where it got me. 

So here it is straight to the point of who I am striving to be each day. 

A Wife of Noble Character

Prov 31: 10-31

10-Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?She is more precious than rubies

11- Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life 

12- She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life

13- She finds wool and flax and busily spins it

14- She is like a merchant's ship bringing her food from afar.

15- She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the days work for her servant girls

16- She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plans a vineyard

17-She is energetic and strong, a hard worker.

18- She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night.

19- Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber

20- She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy

21- She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes 

22- She makes her own bedspreads . She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.

23- Her husband is well known at the city gates where he sits with the other civic leaders

24- She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants.

25- She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future

26- When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness

27- She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness

28- Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her. 

29- There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all.

30- Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

31- Reward her for all she has done . Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. 

I think everything about this is beautiful. I am taking each day to be the christian wife and mom I so desire to be. To extend grace and love and kindness to my family. To watch over and pray over them daily. To come together with my husband and bring it to the Lord each day. To be respected, honored, cherished, loved, blessed by my Heavenly Father each day as he searches my heart to know my true intentions. You can always say things, but your actions always speak much louder than your words ever can. 

A love letter to my husband on our 4th anniversary

 Michael Thomas Jones- 

Happy 4th Anniversary to us. Sounds a little weird considering we can't even speak to each other let alone be together. Nonetheless, Four years is a lot. And I love you.

This might be one of the craziest things I have ever done! Write you a love letter during a divorce that I can't even send to you. But God knows my heart and he knows what he's doing. So I wanted to share that with you. 

We have been through so much over the past six years. I remember you telling me early on when things were happening and I was being put into situations that literally was crazy you were so surprised I didn't turn the other direction and run for the hills. But i knew the moment we met I loved you. I knew God had brought you to me at the right time. I didn't even wanna date after the hurt I had endured for the last 5 years by my ex, but I went along with it to make people happy. After a year of being single and being perfectly ok, I found you. And every day I knew you I woke up eager to hear from you. See you. Hug you. Kiss you. I felt like a 16 year old in love for the first time again.

You told me about your situation and that you didn't have much because of it. That you couldn't take me out on these expensive dates etc. I didn't care. Money meant nothing to me. All that mattered was seeing you and spending time with you. I didn't care about any of that. Not a bit. All i cared about was taking care of you and your babies. Making sure your house was nice for you and them. Cause i knew you felt ashamed that you weren't home a lot to take care of it. Making sure the kids had whatever they needed. That first christmas lol with the ficus tree lol. Going out and buying them presents for you and from you because it wasn't in the budget at the time. But I wanted them to know their daddy loved them so i made sure the gifts were from you and Santa mainly. 

Every day with you was one i never wanted to end. 

And then we finally were able to get married. We decided to go ahead months ahead because we had that miscarriage and you wanted to do things the right way. In GODS eyes we needed to be married so we could do the right thing. And it was the best marriage I ever had ( lol third times a charm) in my moms living room with just those close to us. It was perfect. Genuinely happy in the photos. Just felt like i was a princess in a castle that day. 

We have said through the years that we know GOD brought us together. We both felt and knew it. Yet we let GOD slip from our marriage slowly. We both would "have our own faith" but never together. We never took the time to pray daily over each other together. Nothing. We let life consume us. And our toxic marry go round continued to go faster and faster till it was out of control. We both continued to play the blame game. We both let our ego and pride rule our lives. We both said we needed to get help but then it never happened. I let hurt and anger and resentment rule me. You pushed it aside in hopes it would get better but we both know that without GOD it never would. And then you had enough and left. We won't go into the things said that were hateful and hurtful. Ive owned up to my part already. 

I have loved you through everything. Pain. Sickness. Emergency surgery. Death. Finances. Bankruptcy. Court battles. Custody issues. Everything. I have never stopped loving you for who you really are. The man GOD gave me six years ago. Because the man that is doing these things is not the GODLY man that you were several years ago. Maybe that hurts to read. But its true. Its like we have switched roles. Im now the prayer warrior for this marriage. Im the one fighting tooth and nail for you to come back and be the christian man that i know you are. And i have the most powerful thing on my side- GOD. I love you enough to fight for you with him. I love you enough to never quit. I love you enough to be thankful that GOD put me in this place to rely on him and make me stronger and the true christian wife and mom my family deserves. 

I LOVE YOU ENOUGH. Even when you say you don't. 

Happy Anniversary from your crazy cat lady- the one that would fight for you always- the only one that has ever fought for you,

Stephanie Jones 

Cry out to God in the despair

 

We are human. We are not perfect like God. SO therefore, even when we are walking in faith, giving all to God and trusting in his plan and timing WE ARE STILL GOING TO HAVE HUMAN EMOTIONS.

Give yourself some grace and know that it is ok!!

Today was exceptionally hard for me. And what triggered it was not what should have. But it did. And hard. I mean sobbing uncontrollably for about 15 minutes to God asking him why, why am I having to be the one doing all the suffering. Why isn't my husband hurting like me??? Why is this happening!!!

And my friend Hannah, who has been my emotional support best friend literally, sent me a message in the middle of all this. And i told her I wanted to give up and quit. I didn't really but at the time in the pits of that emotion I was so over it. She literally was sent to me by GOD who knew I would need her. We had not spoken in years nor were we ever close when we went to church together. But GOD knew what he was doing bringing in someone to help pray with me and encourage me. 

And then once I had calmed down and started talking to GOD again, i realized I have no idea what's going on. I don't know if Mike is hurting and suffering. I can't see it. For all I know he could be crying harder than I am and only God knows what's going on. So why am I doubting things. God told me he would handle it. God told me he would fix the broken pieces and be the peace in me while this was all going on. He told me he has a plan and i should trust in it even though I can't see what he is doing. That his way and timing are never short of a miracle and he is always on time. That the suffering I am enduring is for my own benefit and for me to be prepared for what's to come. Whatever that me be.

I know a few things:

1. God doesn't lie. He always keeps his promises. 

2. God is always on time. 

3. Gods plan is always bigger and better than what we want.

4. God is the healer of all things broken.

5. God is the waymaker when there seems to be ZERO way.

6. God is always there to love and protect us.

7. God works for the good of those that faithfully obey him and lean on him.

8. Gods purpose for me has been shown and I am going through a storm to prepare myself to fully embrace this purpose for the rest of my life.

9. God is dealing with Mike on his terms and that might not be anything I can see from the surface but he will bring him back to him even if it means enduring suffering - he will lead a man to water but can't make him drink but he sure can make sure that water he rejected is so appetizing when he realizes he's in a desert and there's nothing but sand. 

10. God is always good. 

There's a million other things I could list honestly. 

I have forgiven my husband for everything he has done or said during the past 1.5 months. Im not angry with him. I don't resent or hate him. He has hurt me more than any other human ever could. But if tomorrow he came to me and asked to be forgiven and apologized and wanted to fix this Id hug him with open arms tell him he's already forgiven from me and that he needed to go humbly to GOD in prayer and get in the word with him. And then before anything we would need to go together humbly before GOD and ask for his forgiveness for removing him from our marriage and asking him to fully take over again and then head to marriage counseling. I won't accept the old marriage. It is DEAD.

I have spoken about that. I can't go back to what we had its not there anymore. It is dead. GOD however can prepare a new marriage and a new spouse for me. I truly believe that is where this is going. I have never had a doubt in my mind about it. I have been at peace with this the entire time. What I have doubted is that Mike doesn't want it. Not me. Not GOD. And then that's when i remember it doesn't matter what we want. Its what GOD wants. Always. 

I have zero clue what tomorrow, next week, next month or next year holds. I have no idea how long I will have to wait while GOD makes his plan and way , while moving people, situations, places around for his will to be done. But I know every day i will wake up and thank him and honor him in all I do. I will be faithful to Him as my gracious father and savior. I will do all for his glory in my purpose. And i will continue to put all my hope in him. Because in that I have peace. Peace that can only be known by our amazing loving FATHER above. 

Stephanie Jones 

The R Word

 Resentment 

Yep. That's a huge R word! 

Its also one of the things that started me on a road of destruction. And the road that ultimately led to where I am today with being separated and him filing for divorce. 

Now, I am not saying that I am taking the entire burden on for the way we came to be here. I have learned over the past month plus that I am not responsible for it all. And i will take ownership to my part played.

Resentment really is what started me to be hard hearted and cold. 

When I got with Mike, he came with two children from previous marriages. And with the youngest it also came with a very difficult ex spouse that in the nicest of terms was not a good person. Especially to me. I got a lot of heartache in the form of bad mouthing, putting down, treating me like I was dirt. She wasn't good to Mike either. But she knew she couldn't "hurt" him as well as she could me. So i became the doormat. We went through a lot that first few years. From nasty texts to me saying God was punishing me by giving me miscarriages , to her telling me he was still in love with her and was cheating on me with her. Among other things. 

And i started to resent and eventually hate this woman. Dragging us to court over things when she got mad because she wasn't given her way. Trying to keep me from being a "mom" to her child. I never once had asked or even implied that I wanted my daughter to call me mom. Not once. I respected that even though I was doing all the things a mom did. She was not present most of the time. But would pop up when she was on one of her 3 month cycles where she wasn't in a hospital or we couldn't find her. And I was so angry. Why had GOD allowed her to have a child ( actually 2 ) who she didn't seem to care for. Didn't call didn't get her life together for her children. Didn't take care of. Didn't support. Only when it suited her. I was angry and got angrier every day when I couldn't have a child of my own. That's what i wanted so bad and had asked over and over for. And then we got pregnant. And it made it to where we could actually announce it.

And then there was no heartbeat. The week after my 40th birthday we went in and no heartbeat. Everything else was there at the correct stages but no heartbeat. And I had to wait a month to have a D&C because my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. And that is when i truly started to resent and hate her so much that it also started to spill over to my child. To my husband. To our marriage and life. Because I couldn't stand to look at her and see her mom. See the mom that was santa claus- when she'd finally show up and do the littlest thing it was all she would talk about and it made me ANGRY. 

I was doing all these things day in and out. I was taking her to school. I was feeding her. I was clothing her. I was sewing her costumes. I was taking her to appointments. I was making sure she had everything she wanted and needed. 

And i felt like it was never appreciated. 

I was cleaning the house. I was doing laundry. I was giving up everything for my husband and family. I was busting my butt and killing myself day in and out. 

And while Mike would say thank you or tell me sometimes how nice the house looked I COULDNT hear or see it because i was so consumed by the fact that it seemed to be only when I would tell him what I had done was it acknowledged and I was thanked. It didn't ever seem genuine. He was always gone working. Always gone doing something. He never took me out. We never had a day out alone. We never went anywhere together. We never had a break just us. And it made it worse when he made me feel like i only ever wanted to be alone. And that also built resentment up to him because then I loathed that he didn't seem to want to be with just me and spend time with just me. And it always seemed like he put everything else above me- work, the kids, etc. And the resentment got huge. The hate in my heart grew like the grinch. 

And then I let it spew forth like a eruption i couldn't stop. And it grew and grew for years. Until I couldn't even see it because i had blinders on. And don't get it twisted- Mike was adding to it as well. Im not saying he didn't try but his words and actions hurt me. The way he treated me hurt me. And while yes i did bring some of it on myself, its also his decision to say and do the things that he did. As he always used to say that we are responsible for our own actions. 

I have now taken that responsibility for what I have done. I have changed and am not the same person I was a month ago. I have no hate in my heart no anger for anything that's been done in this process. I love my husband and children. I have forgiven him for each thing he's done. I truly and honestly am at peace with everything even though it hurts to know we are going through this. I also have faith that God is working to mend our marriage and bring it new to us. To change his heart and bring our family back home together to honor God in our home and marriage going forward. Its my daily prayer for his heart to be softened and mended to allow us to honor our marriage to God with God and use our testimony to show others how great he really is.

Stephanie Jones

Purpose in Pain

 This past month I have been given a lot. 

A lot of heartache

A lot of hurtful words

A lot of grief

A lot of not knowing

A lot of pain

I have also been given a lot of :

JOY

PEACE

LOVE

MERCY

GRACE

UNDERSTANDING

FAITH

HOPE

ENCOURAGEMENT 

PURPOSE

For all the things that I have endured, GOD has given me something to overcome them with. When i start to have doubts, I stop and ask GOD to just comfort me. To just hold my hand and put his arms around me and remind me just how much I am loved and cherished by him. And each time he does. Its like immediate peace that washes over me. It takes my anxiety and calms that storm. It reminds me that I will not quit and I will not go back to the person I was before. 

GOD has also shown me my purpose through this. Which is to use my testimony to reach others for him to show them that even in the most painful seasons of our lives, that he is always there and he will always use your pain to bring purpose. He won't waste one single tear you shed on nothing but the good for you and what he has in store for you. 

I know without a doubt what he has called me to do. To witness to others about my purpose in my pain. To show other women that are going through the same thing how good GOD is and that they can rely on him day in and out. That even when our marriages are hurting, broken, messy, hateful, maybe even shame filled things- that he is still there asking you to cast your cares on him and let him fight this battle for you. To truly give it over to GOD to handle. To literally be still and know that he is GOD and that he is working on it. He's got you! 

Its not an easy road, but GOD never told us we would not suffer. But we will not suffer long as he is doing great things with his plan behind the scenes. That the reward of being faithful to him will be of something we could never imagine! Its going to be that good! 

I am working on putting together a women's group when I am healed up from my surgery. One that we can come together in my home and have coffee and snacks and be open and honest and lean on each other and lean on GOD. To worship together and pray together. To help show each other love and grace. To be filled not only physically and emotionally but SPIRITUALLY nourished each time to know we can move forward as warriors for our spouses, our homes and our family! 

I don't know what each day brings, but man do I know the author and he's AMAZING.

Stephanie Jones 

Texting apologies the new way to social distance

 Ive always felt the need to write. When I was in elementary school my teacher told my mom that I had a gift. I was always writing short stories. I loved to put my thoughts into words on paper. Its why I am so much better at using text to communicate then face to face conversations.

My husband always could never understand how I could apologize over a text versus in person and why I did it. The answer was simple- it was easier for me to carefully word what I wanted to say so as to not say anything in anger if i was trying to apologize. It was easier for me to craft a text message and explain things without having to look him in the eye and get flustered and upset all over again. 

Probably because half the time I WASNT sorry I was just being manipulative to placate the situation.

Now, I was probably sorry but not in the way I truly needed to be. It was easier to do it this way and save my pride- oh yeah we all have that pride- by having to voice things and look into his eyes and say them.

This is KILLING relationships. It slowly killed mine. 

Why? Because we don't take accountability for our actions anymore! What did our parents and our grandparents do before texting??? 

THEY WENT TO THEIR SPOUSE AND SAID IM SORRY TO THEIR FACE. They owned up to their part of the issue and put their pride aside and forgave even when it wasn't even their fault. Or if it was they put their pride aside and forgave sincerely to let the person know they were sorry. 

Communication. Y'all. We lack so much face to face communication anymore. Now I'm not saying if you get into an argument not to text the person and apologize right away. But then you have to save the heartfelt honest I'm sorries for when they return home to you. And mean it. 

There was an accident today , tragic with fatalities , and that person will no longer be able to say I love you, I'm sorry, i miss you to their family and friends. Nor will anyone get to say that to them. Life is short. We really have no idea when our last day will be. And i sat there crying a bit because i am unable to tell my husband I love you and i am sorry every day. So i pray to God that he can put it on his heart for him to know just in case its his last day tomorrow that I love him. Or mine for that matter. 

We can't get each day back that we go without speaking. Without telling the other person we care about them. And it hurts my heart more than anything. To not be able to tell my babies i love them every day. I am doing what I can to make it known. But i have to rely on God a lot to get that message out to them.

We need more Mayberry and less ( for lack of a better term) Facebook. 

More face to face time with those we love and cherish. We need to put down the phones. Turn off the tv. Stop going so fast with work and obligations, and surround ourselves with each others company. Play a board game with the kids, even the 16 year old that thinks its too cool. Cook dinner TOGETHER. Teach our children life skills that they need and we can bond together with- cooking, baking, sewing, etc whatever it is you excel at! Or sit down and color with our babies. Play barbies, do hair together, nails, play with makeup, dress up, whatever they wanna do each night. Plan date nights as a couple and as a family. 

So many of these things I did and then i let my world that i was in control of ( lol) get out of control and spiral into being angry and mad and resentful. I wish more than anything to have the chance to do this again. And i pray every night that God gives me that chance.

Be and live in the moment. Make the mess. Leave the dishes for tomorrow. Say I love you more than is comfortable. Take the photos even when you look like you have bed head. For right now memories is all I have. 

Stephanie Jones 

Courage under Fire

 This past month has taught me a lot about A LOT of things. About myself, about my faith, my marriage etc. 

One of the most important lessons I have learned is you have to have courage under fire. You have to have courage to continue on your journey that God is leading you down a path that will be met with intense backlash and hate from people. It will be met with so much mockery from those that you never thought would say or do things that they are saying and doing! 

The courage to walk through the fire with God holding your hand no matter what happens around you. 

The courage to continue to stand up for what you believe in. What you know is right. What you know GOD is behind. Because you will get tested. A lot.

Faith and courage go hand in hand. You have to have FAITH in GOD that he is the way maker and he is working behind the scenes for the good of all things for those that obey him. And courage to continue to walk that path while the devil continues to try and hurt you with anything he knows how.

Ive been told so many times that i should :

1. move on

2. hes not good enough

3. God will bring you something better

4. if GODS plan is so great then why don't i do xyz ( this coming from my own husband the one I am praying for and loving through this trial) 

To answer all those- I have moved on. I have moved on to GODS plan and timing. Letting him take control and sitting back ( trying y'all if honest here lol) and being still while he moves and works. I have moved on to a hope for a new marriage that God will bring me something better within my spouse and within our marriage. Because that is what he wants. He wants to bring a new marriage in him with my spouse. And you are right he's not good enough because he is not God. 

I have learned something very valuable over the past month that even my own husband has said in the past " God is the only one that can make you happy" and its true. Mike is and will never be good enough to fill that spot. Only the Lord can have that number one spot. Mike comes second. He compliments me and makes me happy in the ways he can, but not anywhere near the ways the LORD can.

So yes all those things are true! 

I just choose to believe in the miracle worker , promise keeper, light in my darkness- GOD that he is making a way for my husband and I to come back together as a new marriage and new husband and wife of Christ. To be able to have a home that is filled with GOD and his name is honored there daily. To use our testimony to reach others about God's sweet grace, mercy and love in times of extreme doubt and distress. 

I choose to put my courage in this path and faith in Gods plan and timing.

No matte what fire i have to endure or walk through to get to the other side!

Stephanie Jones 

Surviving the Pain

 I had a hysterectomy this past monday. And it was truly painful. 

But what hurt worse was the pain of not having my husband with me. Or even having him check on me.The man that for the past six years has told me he would always be with me, always stand beside me and always love me- just totally push me away and not care. Man that hurts worse than any pain physically i could ever imagine.

And through it all I have not once been angry or mad at him.I have forgiven him each time he has done or said something so out of character from what I know him to be. Im frustrated and hurt. But there is no anger at all. 

See I get it. I get that he's trying to also push that pain of hurting down inside him so deep that he hopes it will go away. That he is turning circles over his emotions because running is easier than just stopping, surrendering to God and trying things his way. I was that person for a very long time. I thought I was in control of everything. I was not. 

Once I gave it all to the Lord, i have literally changed into someone that you wouldn't even recognize if you had known me for the past few years. I have changed into someone that is at peace with everything. That has faith beyond measure. Hope that surpasses anything I can explain.

And every day i pray for my husband to stop , put his pride and ego aside, and come back to me. God doesn't want divorce. He in fact wants the opposite and NO MARRIAGE is beyond repair with him. But he won't make anyone do anything. We all have a choice. I pray my husband makes the easy choice and comes back to GOD without having to take the hard way. Cause God will lead you to water and even if you don't drink, he will continue leading you back to him the hard way. 

If my husband came to me now and told me he was sorry and he wanted to fix this the first thing I would say is- Sure, but we will be going to counseling, family counseling, and we will be fixing our marriage with GOD as the head. We will be praying daily together. Reading scripture together. Fully submitting to what GOD has for us in a marriage. We won't be going back to anything the old way ever again. 

I truly believe that GOD is the waymaker and miracle worker. And that our marriage is worthy of being repaired and made new in GODS eyes. To where we give him all the glory and honor every day. And we can bring our testimony to others to show them just how amazing our heavenly father truly is! 

I love you Mike Jones. I pray for you daily. And though I can't speak to you right now I know God is speaking for me to you. You are worthy and loved. Both by God and by me. You have never had someone fight for you with GOD before and it should have been a long time ago. You are the man he brought to me, and the family he gave me, and I know how precious it is. Having a loving marriage is what we both long for. We agreed to that many times. To show your children GODS love through a healthy, christian marriage between us. And we can have that. 

But whatever GODS PLAN is I know it will work for the good. That's his promise! 

Stephanie Jones 

My marriage is dead, but God has a plan!

 You know if you would have told me a few months ago that my marriage would be dead Id have thought it was crazy. Even in the midst of all the crap we were putting each other through. I knew he loved me and I loved him. 

And then he left. And I was in shock. I immediately started trying to go into save mode. You know what that is- dont you? When you have realized that the argument has reached a point of no return and you then turn all your energy and focus on trying to save it.

Yeah. I was a pro at that one. 

Because I knew what I had said was not true and I only did it because I was hurt. 

I also immediately turned to God- because thats what we do too! Hey so i have gotten myself into a big mess again can you please clean it up and then ill be on my way.

Surprise! God didnt clean up my mess this time. Instead he brought me back to him and redeemed me. He brought me back to where I should have been years ago- to relying on him in everything. To stop putting my control and my desires above him. And it worked.

See, I have realized since a month ago when I finally stopped and gave it truly all to God, that he had used the hard way to bring me to the water to drink and I refused. He had humbled me and brought me to my knees in a way that I had to turn back to him and rely on him for EVERYTHING.

And to say its been a blessing is an understatement. Man, the joy and faith and hope I have now that God has been in my life is soooo amazing. I have the peace the surpasses all understanding. I am not the woman I was a month ago. And i WOULD NOT go back and change it if it meant i would go back to the same unhappy, toxic, depressed person I was. Not even if it meant that my marriage wouldnt have taken this road. 

My marriage is dead. The old Stephanie is dead. I can only move forward with a new marriage in Christ as the head of it. As me as a new person in God. Giving it all to him forever. And I pray every day that my husband will also put aside his pride and lay it all at the feet of Jesus too. Thats the only way its ever going to work. I refuse to go back to my old marriage. God has to be the center of it or we will just be going back to the hurt and the pain and the WE way of doing things. I love my husband more than I can put into words. But i wont give up my new love for GOD and my purpose for even that. I pray that he will come back and give it all to GOD every day. Cause he is it for me. Whatever path Gods plan has for me I will be ok. I will be happy. Because he does it for the good as it states in Romans 8. 

I will love this man for the rest of my life. There is no one else for me. I knew it when God brought him to me 6 years ago. And i know it 100 percent now. I will love him with all i have for the remainder of my days. Its a love of God that only comes around once. 

Psalms 118 ( and really all of the book is such an uplifting prayer filled read)

Stephanie Jones

Liar Liar

 We had court yesterday and to say that God and the Devil showed up is an understatement.

It was hard to hear someone that has loved you for almost 6 years get up and say things about you that hurt. And to also see them be uncomfortable answering questions as well. The person that was in that courtroom was NOT my husband. I knew it the minute he started acting out of character. He never ever gets upset or unhinged he has always been the one thats been cool and calm- and we have dealt with court before. Yesterday he was how I used to be- agitated, squirming around, trying not to get mad at my attorney when he was asking him things, even stating that I was looking at him ( how i dont know he just said how i was looking at him made him feel uncomfortable) but all I was doing was staring at the man I love and praying for him. Literally praying while he was testifying to how I made him fear for his safety.

Yall. When I tell you how much it hurt to hear him think that I would ever hurt him or intentionally do him harm, it killed my soul. I had let my anger get out of control a few months ago and when reaching for his phone i grabbed his arm and clawed him. Yep. I own up to that. I also immediately apologized. In the past i had hit him with pillows, i have slapped his arm and leg in bed when i was angry, but had never done so with the intent to truly hurt him or fear for his safety. I am a emotionally angry person. I use words usually. 

Which is what im getting at in this post. I sat there and listened to him say things that had truth behind them but at the same time were also exaggerated and I didnt understand why. Why this man would hurt me so much. I know we had hurt each other with words, and I had done my fair share of the damage in that dept. But to have him actually tell people he feared for his safety hurt me more than anything he has ever said to me. He got his order of protection for 6 months. On himself. That was all.

When I left the courtroom after talking to my lawyer I got in my moms car and said "well God showed up today" I have been asking God for communication to be opened but at the same time i was taking it upon myself to message him and try to intervene. The same thing I was asking God to do and saying i was trusting him , but still trying to do it my way lol. Yeah God showed me and took the one thing i was still trying to have control of away from me. I said ok sir i get it. Im sorry. You have full control now. 

And it really did hit me. God was taking this out of my hands to allow him time to talk with Mike and use his plan and way. I was just getting in the way of things. I wasnt allowing God to truly work his full plan and ways because i wanted so badly to be able to speak to my husband. Now i know that everything that happens is truly God's plan in action. And i just laughed and praised the Lord for taking my ability to interfere away from me. Then went home and praised him more. He truly is amazing in the good and the bad.

But then while i was reading scripture about how the devil will use words to hurt you, especially from people you are close to, it hit me that I wasnt just talking about mike i was talking about myself. I was trying to get a message out about this, but about mike, and God had other plans. He turned it around and said Stephanie you need to talk about this about YOU and how you have lied in the way you have spoken to mike. I had found an old video i had made when we were fighting and was listening to it and the words, oh my, the lies i was telling out of my mouth to him hurt ME to the core. I cant believe i ever said those things to the person i loved the most. I lied to him because i wanted him to hurt, i wanted him to love me, pay attention to me, and the only way i thought to get that was to cause hurt and harm with my mouth. The mouth specifically your tongue is the most deadly weapon we have. Once words are released you cant take them back. You can forgive but you wont forget.

I am so thankful that our heavenly father has changed me and I am not that person anymore. But the damage that I did is not something easily forgotten or easily reversed. I know GOD can heal the broken and renew the spirit and change the heart- but it will take a lot of time to trust each other again in the harmful things we said while angry. 

So when you are angry or mad or frustrated with someone, whoever it is, please know that you should carefully speak your words and choose them wisely. For in anger and hurt comes things said that could damage someone forever. I know I can only go forward showing love, kindness, grace and mercy to those that hurt me and turn to GOD to help me redirect that to something that will honor the Lord and show love.

Stephanie Jones